Even the healthiest relationships have their challenges. But when one of you has ADHD, such challenges can seem insurmountable. We asked individuals with ADHD to describe how they’re making it work with neurotypical partners.<\/p>\n
Here are their stories:<\/p>\n
Describing themselves on their website as \u201csuccessfully married since 2014,” Tierra and Leon Harris use social media to help other “interabled” couples like them to succeed in life. On their website, HarrisHopeandHumor.com<\/a>, the Harrises explain that the term “interabled” can be used to describe a few relationship scenarios.<\/p>\n The Harrises started out as a Couple A, meeting after Leon suffered a spinal cord injury in an accident. Later, when Tierra received an ADHD diagnosis, the pair transitioned to a Couple C. And they’re making it work.<\/p>\n \u201cI think for us in particular,” Tierra tells ADHD Online, \u201caccepting Leon’s physical disability has made it easier for him to accept my ADHD and what that would mean for our relationship as a couple.”<\/p>\n For the Harrises, success begins with love. \u201cEach individual within the relationship is loved and cared for,” Tierra says. <\/strong><\/p>\n Love is a good start, but HarrisHopeandHumor.com describes other important elements in making an interabled relationship work. Communication<\/strong> is also key, making sure \u201cboth parties are heard and honored.” <\/strong>Creativity <\/strong>helps, too \u2014 Tierra’s and Leon’s differences require innovative solutions. \u201cWe continue to dig deep and make it work!” they say on their website.<\/p>\n Neurotypical describes the expected way someone’s brain develops and functions. In contrast, the brain of a neurodivergent individual processes and behaves differently from what is considered typical, and that includes ADHD.<\/p>\n On his psychological coaching website, Hidden ADHD<\/a>, Aron Croft shares details of struggling with his own ADHD. \u201cI failed out of my first marriage to a neurotypical (person) because of ADHD-related issues,” Croft says. He cited chore wars, his difficulty following through on commitments and his stalled career as major issues.<\/p>\n Croft is now happily remarried to another neurotypical person \u2014 someone whose brain works in a way that’s considered typical and who does not have ADHD \u2014 and is doing things differently this time. \u201cI have a new self-knowledge about what works for my ADHD brain and what doesn’t,” he explains. \u201cLike I need to leave my deodorant on the bathroom counter or I forget to put it on.”<\/p>\n Croft and his wife strategically leverage her neurotypical strengths to help things run more smoothly. \u201cShe handles planning and logistics for almost everything in our lives,” he says. \u201cShe helps me organize rooms so I can keep them less messy. We jointly devised a responsibility chart of who does what.”<\/p>\n These and other tactics have helped Croft and his wife achieve a healthy relationship balance.<\/p>\n Shelby Woods is a multimedia storyteller living with ADHD and has a unique understanding of how and why ADHD influences people to behave in certain ways.<\/p>\n \u201cThe first thing is the speed at which the relationship is progressing,” Woods says. \u201cRelationships feel so good, and our ADHD brain craves that stimulation \u2014 and dopamine!”<\/p>\n For the individual with ADHD, the relationship can become a hyper-fixation, and the intensity of that can frighten the neurotypical partner. \u201cWhile being excited about a relationship is normal, people with ADHD have to do a little extra work to ensure a slow and steady progression to maintain a healthy romance,” she says.<\/p>\n Woods believes mindfulness is another important part of the relationship. In other words, people should communicate early on how ADHD manifests in relationships.<\/p>\n \u201cADHD can make it difficult to regulate emotions, leading to intense feelings that your partner may not understand,” she explains. \u201cWith my last partner, I was so excited about our relationship that I accidentally burned her out socially by quickly trying to introduce her to all of my loved ones.” What felt normal to Woods was too much stimulation for her partner.<\/p>\n Other people with ADHD may struggle with something called “rejection sensitive dysphoria<\/a>” when their partner wants space to be alone or with other friends. Many people with ADHD experience rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain caused by someone they care about seeming to reject or criticize them.<\/p>\n \u201cDo not invalidate your feelings just because they stem from your ADHD,” cautions Woods. \u201cThey are still real and valid.” Instead, she says, be patient with your partner and with yourself. \u201cAllow yourself to hurt, and then proceed with either letting it go or telling your partner how you feel.”<\/p>\n ADHD is so much more than a label. Woods encourages everyone to do some research on the disorder to better understand how ADHD affects people.<\/p>\n Photographer Don Orkoskey was diagnosed with ADHD after noticing a lot of memes from friends who were neurodivergent. The memes “hit a bit close to home,” Orkoskey says.<\/p>\n Knowing what he knows now, Don admits that ADHD impacted his current and previous romantic relationships, as well as work relationships and friendships.<\/p>\n Orkoskey, who believes \u201cbeing diagnosed has been helpful and is a privilege,” says the challenges are many. Attention is a big one. Getting the attention one wants from a partner with ADHD can feel impossible.<\/p>\n \u201cThere’s only so much to go around,” Orkoskey says, \u201cand once I’m drained I need sleep to get it back.” His wife, who does not have ADHD, frequently asks why he seems distracted. \u201cI’m always distracted,” he responds. \u201cThat’s a given.”<\/p>\n Orkoskey takes medication, lives a healthy lifestyle and tries to not overdo things. He continues to learn more about ADHD from his therapist as well as from podcasts and other resources.<\/p>\n \u201cHaving an amazing wife who is empathetic and caring is huge,” he says. \u201cShe doesn’t always understand \u2014 her brain doesn’t work like mine \u2014 but we love each other, we listen to each other and we work on our marriage.”<\/p>\n Orkoskey really wishes people understood that ADHD is real. \u201cThat’s still a challenge for some reason,” he says. \u201cNot understanding the way the ADHD brain links things together, in what seems to us to be very logical ways, has to be tough for neurotypicals. I find when I’m with friends who have ADHD, we are all more understanding.”<\/p>\n Sources:<\/p>\n\n
Success the second time around<\/h4>\n
Intense feelings, ADHD-style<\/h4>\n
The importance of empathy<\/h4>\n